What Was
by Z. Alexander
Summary: It was glorious, masochistic beauty; it was a dance of desperation, and they were both good at it. He didn't love him, and he wouldn't miss him. It wasn't fair. But that's what was. Bizarre AND twisted AkuRoku, slightly dark and introspective. Canonverse


Okay, so I lied. This one kept nagging me. Sorry about that, but you never say no to inspiration. That's like committing articide, which is kind of like phonicide, in that you lose everything and the people you're communicating with never get to know what you were trying to say. Wow. Phonicide and articide are actually not alike at all, but there you have it. Artosophical bullshit at six o'clock in the morning, courtesy of Zheyne the Insane.

I wasn't sure about the rating; this isn't really graphic. It focuses on other things, and there's implied sex but really, you have to pay attention or you'll think I'm speaking nonsense. I probably am, but that's beside the point. Please tell me if I need to up the rating and I will.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. What would I do if I owned it, anyway? Munny can't by happiness; only Hi-Potions. Moogles might be able to synthesize it, but you don't have to _pay_ for that.

On with the oneshot!

* * *

_**The**_ deserted streets of the World that Never Was liked to feign silence, but in truth, they were much louder than Agrabah's market. The sound of booted strides warned Roxas of someone's approach…and there was only one person who would bother to follow him on a night like this. There was only one person who would _know _to follow him. He had long, spiky hair and longer strides.

"Roxas," he said, throwing his arm around Roxas' shoulders and squeezing. "You aren't thinking of _leaving_ us, are you?"

There was an underlying warning in that carefree tone, and Roxas didn't want it. He wasn't going to heed it anyway.

"Shut up, Axel," Roxas replied sourly. He knew he wouldn't go away tonight, because Axel was here and knew exactly what he'd been planning. They weren't best friends for nothing. They knew each other too well.

"Why?" And yet, sometimes, Axel didn't know him well enough.

"You shouldn't ask questions I might not answer honestly."

Axel sighed and rolled his eyes, tracing Roxas' chin absently with the gloved fingers of his right hand, which had previously been on Roxas' right shoulder. Roxas tried to pretend it didn't affect him, but Axel would know anyway. He knew Roxas _so_ well.

"You know, I don't get it. Why are you so fixated on Sora? You don't even know if he's going to tell you everything or kill you on sight." And sometimes, he was so clueless it was sickening. Roxas didn't need to hear any of this, and Axel was only frustrating him.

"Because he has the answers the Organization doesn't…or, if you have them, he's probably more willing to actually give them to me. It's not like I'm defenseless, and I'm not going to let _him_ kill me. I don't like being fucked over, Axel, and that's what's happening here."

Axel removed his arm and stepped in front of Roxas. Too close, too _close._ "So you're gonna fuck _us_ over, Roxas? Kinda hypocritical, don't you think?"

"An eye for an eye," he replied. "And it's not like you're any better." Despite his airy tone, he couldn't bring himself to meet the snapping green gaze he knew was waiting for him. He couldn't; Axel would know how hesitant he really was, and he could use that against him. Axel knew how to convince him to do just about anything…just one look in his eyes and he _knew,_ and it was all over.

They knew each other too well, and they didn't know each other well enough, and Roxas couldn't decide which was worse.

"Roxas…"

Out of the corner of his eye, Roxas saw Axel fist his red spikes with both hands agitatedly and shake his head. "I don't think you realize what you're _doing."_

"So tell me, then. What am I doing?" He needed answers.

"…Making a mistake," his companion replied after a pause.

He thought that was good enough? He thought that would convince Roxas to stay?

It wasn't, and it wouldn't.

"Prove it."

Before Roxas knew what was happening, Axel had clenched the fabric of Roxas' long coat with both hands, and brought their lips together. It wasn't the first time, but this…this was different. There was this underlying…desperate, frustrated _longing,_ which _shouldn't_ have been possible but was there all the same.

Roxas tried to pull away – he couldn't think like this, he couldn't stop himself, he was more indecisive than before – but Axel wouldn't let him. He was so insistent, and Roxas' head refused to cooperate, and his traitorous lips were acting of their own accord, and his traitorous fingers were all over Axel's body, and Axel was _there._

Axel was furious and passionate like fire, and his spring-green eyes snapped, and Roxas couldn't shut his eyes because Axel was drowning him…drowning, drowning, _drowning._

Axel pulled away oh-so-slightly, and Roxas felt himself mourning the loss of even that much contact. "I," Axel breathed, before moving in for another quick kiss. _"Don't_ love you," he continued. He captured Roxas' eyes and tongue for a few more moments – and Roxas let him; at this point, Axel could've told him he was sleeping with Larxene's Other's sister and moving to Wonderland and he wouldn't have said _anything_ as long as Axel still kissed him like this – and pulled away once more.

"But I'll be _damned_ if that's not what this would be, if things were different."

"I know," Roxas whispered, pulling himself closer to the raging fire that was Axel. "I know that. I _know."_

He didn't know why he felt tears falling, or why Axel was trying to pull away, or why he was still being pulled to Sora.

"But you have to go, for you."

"…Yeah."

"You won't leave without saying goodbye, right?"

Roxas pulled Axel close again and rested his head on the taller boy's chest, breathing in the ash-and-darkness scent, unique to Axel. "Don't ask questions like that."

The only reply was a hand, tilting his head up, and another kiss. It wasn't enough, for either of them, and it wasn't fair, either.

But that's what was.

Roxas was going to leave this behind; he was going to leave the fire; leave his best (and only) friend. He was going to leave late-night battles and sea-salt ice cream on the clock tower. He was going to leave pizza-sauce red and spring green. He was going to leave those _eyes._ He was going to drown _himself_ instead of letting Axel drown him.

He was going to, eventually, look Axel in the eye and tell him to kill him, because Roxas couldn't think of a better way to fade from existence than being caressed by hot, sparking extensions of Axel's essence. He wouldn't fight it, because he'd rather die than stay with the group which would never reach its goal.

What could Kingdom Hearts do for them? If killing Heartless didn't give them hearts, Kingdom Hearts wouldn't either, even if they did manage to complete it. He didn't want to look back once he left, and dying in a _flurry of dancing flames_ was the best way to end it. He wanted…

_He wanted…_

He kissed Axel like his existence depended on it, even though it didn't. Axel kissed back like Roxas deserved it, even though he didn't. The open air wasn't restricting enough; there was too much _noise,_ even on the deserted streets of the World that Never Was, and there was also too much _space._ They soon found themselves behind the panel belonging to the Key of Destiny, cloaks and gloves open and off in a moment. Roxas licked a trail of sparks up Axel's neck; and Axel responded with sharp, needle-like nails dug into both of his hips and a harsh, heavy bite before their lips met once again.

It was a clash; it was nothing like 'making love,' or even a battle of passion. It was a tangle of chaos, spicy, furious and fast-paced. Roxas hurt Axel as much as possible, and he responded in kind and more. It was horrific; it was terrific; it was better than breathing…because Nobodies may have lacked hearts, but they had bodies, and it was the best kind of ecstasy to know pain. It was glorious, masochistic beauty; it was a dance of desperation, and they were both good at it.

It was blank and colorful, shallow and deep, dark and light, a beautiful mess of fire and sharp teeth and clawing and raw physicality. It lasted an hour; it lasted only a moment. Time didn't matter, because even if it had lasted for a thousand years it was over too soon.

This was what it would be like to die, except Axel wouldn't be with him. Or maybe he would. Roxas wasn't sure which one he preferred, but his head was still a jumble of fragmented half-thoughts and popping embers so it wasn't surprising.

Roxas collapsed on top of Axel, laying a singed cheek against a vandalized chest. There was no heartbeat, but Axel was breathing heavily. It was stupid, this make-believe life, but there they were; Nobodies were good at playing let's-pretend, especially Axel. That was one of the reasons Roxas had considered him a friend in the first place. He kept Roxas on his toes, brought intensity and tension into his life with a wicked grin and spring-green, snapping eyes.

This was existence; this was what it _meant_ to be the Key of Destiny. An existence full of unacknowledged, half-formed emotion and violence was all Roxas was supposed to know. He was the _Key of Destiny,_ not the Keyblade _master._ He didn't want it. He also didn't want to admit that Axel was why he hadn't just slipped away sooner, but he was.

"I won't miss you. No one will miss you."

"I know. I won't miss you either."

There was silence for a moment. Roxas didn't move his cheek; it was a sick peacefulness in which a normal person would listen for a steadying heartbeat.

"I don't love you," he whispered, real breath ghosting across the place a heart should've been. Real tears falling from real eyes. Real fingers tracing the deep, devastating lines real nails had dug. A real ear, really listening for that nonexistent heartbeat.

"I know. I don't love you either," was the slightly raspy reply, and Axel threaded his fingers too-roughly through Roxas' slowly drying hair.

It was the worst, most hurtful thing Axel could've said, because it meant so much more than 'I love you' would have, and Roxas knew he really _did_ feel all that regret and shame; he had more of a heart than Axel did. It wasn't fair.

But that's what was.


End file.
